just sayin’ (and that’s just how I feel)

i let everyone down and for that I can’t forgive

let the world teach me I was down and don’t know how to live

it was all my fault and for that I can’t forgive

it’s hard when you long for those days growing up in the hood

even when the hood gave you things could have gone wrong

barely escaped the vengeance of a family black sheep

don’t care about the opinion of sheep but I need to make y’all happy

don’t care about myself, just trying to make y’all happy

all I need is a book, good tv, and my fam

running hard cardio strong got my calisthenic on point too

if i stop running imma crash into you

so tell me what to do and I will do or don’t

i’m done with trying to try the world don’t give a fuck

i’m done struggling with my mind, i really don’t give a fuck

if you think i jive, you must really think i’m bunk

i couldn’t be more alive even when I’m stuck like a duck

in the crosshairs of bad lady luck

the sharpness of my blade contemplated for days

i could spill my blood just so you understand

all i want is for all of us to understand

and my kind you will never understand

unless you too cry when the spirit holds you fierce

money, bitches, fame, wealth, it’s all the same

i just want you to understand

you’re always alone

with the world all around

(never alone again)

Very Strange Mobile “Game”: Exponential Idle – Mind as Wasteland

I started this journey with not much in terms of expectations. Years of being left behind taught me to have little faith in our AI overlords…but I could not resist. As many of you have found you could not…

Welcome to the wiki of Exponential Idle, a math-inspired incremental game. Your goal is to stack up *money* by taking advantage of exponential growth. To do so, you have to step through time by tapping the equation or simply let the time follow its course. You can perform change of variables to accelerate the process, buy upgrades, get rewards, and unlock achievements unheard of in “games” of yore.

Seriously, the cipher of this “game” is simply to follow the narrative more than the “gameplay”…all I can ultimately say about this game is that it “works”.

Ecstatic Joyous History of Playing the Video Games I Loved

It all started with Wolfenstein 3D (which is technically not a 3D game – 2.5D you can call it, remember 3D games didn’t become standard until the Unreal engine became open-source)…which really required me to learn Windows DOS commands…I mean normally if you wanted to learn that level of geekdom unwittingly you would have to been born into some real obscure early internet-era schtuff. But for me it was Wolfenstein 3D. Why? Honestly, it combined the two things I loved most at that point: surprise violence and comedy…

Deus Ex (the original PC version) was like Wolfenstein 3D point 2 so to speak. It not only combined cutting edge FPS gameplay but also a film noir quality cyberpunk atmosphere and solid role-playing game features.

The next game that did it for me…probably Blizzard’s Diablo 2 (well D2 LOD would have been more up my alley, honestly) — I mean, I seriously lost significant hard earned time on that game…still worth the money haha.

Nowadays I’m only fixated on what Yu Suzuki’s epic martial arts RPG/interactive-story the Shenmue series has in store. So far Shenmue 3 has been out on epic games for almost a year to the date of this writing and the jury is still out among hardcore fans whether it is worth waiting for the next installment. My evaluation is to go with your gut but honestly, give more patience with this game. What it lacks in true RPG experience it makes up for in quantity of skill gameplay.

I used to read every entry of PC Games magazine that’s how crazy I was about gaming. Nowadays I have trouble reviewing a simple smartphone RPG because it takes to Damn long to load. Makes me suspect if it is even worth playing because obviously it takes up too much of my phone CPU and graphics capability to play tolerable well.

In any case it is moot! Why? The best game ever made (“run til dat!”) is Tetris. Seriously, it will never be surpassed in terms of level and coordination of skilled gameplay ability and what it lacked in narrative components it more than made up for in the quality of its soundtrack.

The Softness She Breaks [Part 2]


[…]but this shot to go back and find her. To even check out that dusty bar…well it brings hope. Like a real drunk would say. Except I don’t want to go back to that bar for an expertly made Mai Tai or even to look like a cool thug. I am done with all those kinds of lives. I’m not even what you could designate as a business man any longer. I am simply a traveler. Selling his wares when he can. And I’m in love with a devilish spirit.

Shall I go on describing her in full detail. No, instead I will give you an idea of who I am. Basically, if you, like almost everybody these days is, familiar with fantasy novel jargon and video games you know of the warrior-bard character. That’s me. A well, misguided monk. Somebody who should have been put in front of wayward sinners to preach to, instead found himself with more desperate tongues to voice than a gifted schizophrenic on a busy day.

These days I am quite satisfied with a green tea. Jasmine green tea with a toasted rice crust. They served that on Tuesdays at the bar in question. The bar which stole my heart. Which left me worse off than homeless.

Jasmine scented toasted topped green tea which, when consumed at the most climactic point of release for its aromatics – well, it’s better than most steaks consumed medium rare.

This girl. Simply named Joy. But regarded as The Witch of Green Lantern Lane, I swear, I would learn later it just really did come down to how delicate those eyebrows were…

But first before any of this makes sense I have to explain how my friend Chico got me in this mess in the first place. How Chico and I came to know each other, briefly, but more importantly how he taught me to be a man, and how he taught me how to pick the right ship…

Being a man? Simple. Finding the right woman. Find her? As easy as following your nose Chico would say.

But first you have to figure out how to save the world. Which involves money. So he always told me to look for the quickest most agile ship. When looking for a fishing boat, a boat of leisure, a hypothetical spaceship, doesn’t matter. Speed über alles. And the goodship Eldelweis is as sleek as you can find. White and blue classic lines. A bow curve that makes you think of hot knives. Sails made of a textile not even classified it is so far ahead of its time. And you know all this because well, you were born for this. Since I new I could find all my answers challenging evil on the street. Looking death straight not in it’s mouth. But rather, in the last place you would look. In books…

But right now let me explain Chico to you: Tall. Brave. You could tell he was brave just be how he dealt with being himself. One, it was clear he was pretty insane. Two, it was clear he could walk through life being insane possibly without referendum. See, only if you have been fortunate to have really known this guy can you see his true genius was how he lived the life most worth writing about and never cared to put it down just kept on ticking.

But I mean yes, he could tell you exactly how to take apart a nobel prize winning mathematics thesis and understand it, improve upon it, and submit it and win one of your own. But he couldn’t tell you where he was going to be next month. Shit.

And he for sure brought me to Joy. Joy-san she was usually called. Preserving the honorific. In Chinese it’s “seifu”. So we called her Joy-seifu. You know, most of us never even got close enough to realize she used cloves as deoderant. She saved money this way and also it was a sign of her nature worshipping ways. We never got this close because we were so in love with her we could only smell our own stress-sweat. We also became so close friends because that is what happens, no matter how little you have in common with him, with your brothers in arms, when you love the same girl. The one thing which should infuriate you makes you all like docile calves.

Joy-san is what I secretly called her. I preferred the Japanese way most times. Made it easier to accept bowing all the time for sure. The other reason I gave in to this life: the food. It’s not just dim sum yakuza-triad conference buffet dinners. No, more dazzling than the women and money and shinier than any blazing sun even – this intoxicating level of pleasure from food – on the streets under smoke filled tarps – by the estuary outside the city where you could feast on prime soy fermented crab meat like a true Han. It is what keeps even the most weary of us stuck in life’s throes…always something or another am I right?

So from Chico I learned how to be a man. From Joy I learned godliness. She eventually did teach me everything she knew about Mother Earth and challenging the frontiers of your own psyche…before she even threw down the sea-walls of my reluctance, my secret, she became my hah, well, math tutor to be honest.

It indeed started with her teaching me about linear algebra…it’s all just matrices Hans. This was before she used me to escape prison. Before I had the confidence to overcome any mortal danger…

Matrices. Before I can tell you about what makes a matrix important I have to explain to you the difference between a set and a list. Both are a collection of objects. But a set is unique objects only. That is, no repetition. A list can repeat itself. Both are iterable. Both are objects in themselves.

String Theory

Have you ever seen your own courage leap out in front of you and beg you to dance with her? Then you know the Holy Spirit. It is the bloodline of all divine forms – a fuel for our march towards noble destiny. One worthy of our ancestors’ pride.

All incarnations of Divine Energy feel this blood – made of quantum flux and Will to Power – Will to Service – from the richest king to the most sluggish worm. And the streams and the crystal lattice rocks – all vibrating in tune to the eternal heartbeat of the Universe. One push, one pull, many highs, many lows, one composite wave-function stretching from corner to corner of the non-empty vacuum, united in the demand for progress and order.

Only the viruses set vicious circles running amok – whirlpools of perverted energy that seek only to dominate everything with a universal stillness, frozen in time, afraid to embrace the challenge of life, stuck in its selfish comforts and fears like a ruthless alcoholic CEO merging corporations into mega-conglomerates, enslaving the world in predictable misery, and drinking his heart away, staring at a white wall when he’s not working his 80 hour weeks. Like an Ebola virus wiping out entire once-vibrant African towns.

It’s suicide. Uniform stillness is the destiny of Evil – Order and progress the destiny of Good.

Leaving the 1804

To the beautiful ebony girl up front the bus (firm of body and tougher than you):

You have your hair plastered and straight. But I sense you do not shy from your afro curls. It’s just a comely style. And you are proud but tired like we all are.

I caught you looking at me looking at you. My first thought is would you give me a chance to validate my body on yours. Could I taste you and melt you.

What is it you really want. Because i dont have it.

But give me a chance. I wouldn’t do you wrong. You would break my heart and move on and be no worse for it. I would drown until the next one resuscitates me.

The Kid

The Kid is stupendous. He survives against terrible odds – ghouls and gangsters around every corner – and he is not wise, yet the kid escapes death every time. The Kid’s been ready to die. But death ain’t ready for him. They say he has angles looking out for him. But the angels carry God’s word, and The Kid is deaf to the Lord. No, The Kid survives because he closes his eyes and lets his spirits guide him through thorn brush and quagmire all the way home.

The Kid can fly. He used to fly. 10 feet in the air and 19 feet broad. 19 feet through the air – that’s flying. He can fly again.

The Kid knows evil. The evil that men do. The evil that is in all hearts, somewhere deeper or not so deep. He knows anything is possible with anyone who forgets humility. Or anyone, really. Depends on the cards that get dealt. But The Kid wants peace above all. Not Peace and Love. The Kid knows not to trust love with peace. Love demands preference. Love wants protection at any cost. Lie, steal, kill for me, love says. No, The Kid believes in peace and respect. Common decency, as Vonnegut cried for – the antidote to a world poisoned by the Will to Power. A world that chose the Affirmation of Machine over the unity of humankind.

The Kid is chill above all. But that is just one side of an oxymoronic stillness of perpetual oscillation. He chills to breeze through the tension. The tension of mistrust. Of negativity. Friends and snakes. Nine milli’s and 38’s. Hell or the Pearly Gates. It’s always the extremes. If The Kid isn’t chill, he is hating himself. Usually.

Every once in a stellar alignment, The Kid falls in love with himself. And the world feels his magnanimity. He bursts with chi. He does the sacred arts at the bus stop. He sings the songs that pierce through the heavens. The notes the mad ones hear across the winds of solitude and despair. But this love never lasts. It betrays as love is ought to do, and The Kid is oft left to recover bedside, his chi spent doing errands in the spirit world.

The Kid knows there is no enemy like the self. He doesn’t believe he can conquer his demons. But The Kid gets to know his demons better with every passing moon and with every season he knows how to trick those demons into letting him get by.

That’s all The Kid really wants: to get by.

And good friends and hearty jokes. And a brave woman to share the last sunsets with.

A Blessed Lament

campingBlanket

Into whom can I transform to be your light?
Can I survive my curssed self one more day with the hope of someday holding your hand?
Would you chose me if you could have the whole world?
But that is what I would bring to you, every path, every moon, every honey laced cake and chocolate fountain, every hearth’s warmth. And let me dissolve into all of it. One pull. One push. One tear of my soul to empty into the void if it could take away your pain for a thousand lives to come
Even if I never felt your caress
I could disappear from everything God has breathed on, happy as a child, imagining your touch like a blanket made of the wool of the most blessed lamb

Selections from The Rules of Acquisition

Quark

1) Once you have their money, you never give it back.

6) Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.

9) Opportunity plus instict equals profit.

10) Greed is eternal.

16) A deal is a deal.

17) A contract is a contract is a contract…but only between Ferengi.

21) Never place friendship above profit.

31) Never make fun of a Ferengi’s mother.

33) It never hurts to suck up to the boss.

34) War is good for business.

35) Peace is good for business.

45) Expand or die.

47) Never trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.

48) The bigger the smile the sharper the knife.

59) Free advice is seldom cheap.

74) Knowledge equals profit.

75) Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of latinum.

76) Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.

94) Females and finances don’t mix.

98) Every man has his price.

109) Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.

190) Hear all, trust nothing.

211) Treat employees like the rungs on the ladder of success. Don’t be afraid to step on them to get to the top.

285) No good deed ever goes unpunished.